I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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