the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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