It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
