I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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