my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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