I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
