Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i barfeds in our rink
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Randomize
