Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
