Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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