Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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