So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
