My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize