So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
