i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
