your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
