Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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