he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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