I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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