New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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