I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
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I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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