saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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