You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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