I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
