Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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