Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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