Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
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Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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