I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
