I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
