I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.