She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
