i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
