So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
