I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
