How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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