this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
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