I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
