last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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