And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
