so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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