I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
