i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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