gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i drank out of a bidet.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
