This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
