dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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