"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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