so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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