Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
