haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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