just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
