why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
