a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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