I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
