Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
