I accidentally had phone sex last night
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
