I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
