is your mom at the bar?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
