Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
